It sounds like you're looking for the lyrics to by Bob Rivers (a parody of "The 12 Days of Christmas"), along with a useful review of the song.
Useful Review Overall Verdict: A classic, cynical antidote to sappy holiday music. Highly recommended for office parties, family gatherings (with thick skin), or anyone who's ever cursed a tangled string of lights. song 12 pains of christmas lyrics hit
The Christmas spirit ( "Ho-ho-ho... I hate this." ) It sounds like you're looking for the lyrics
The Christmas fruitcake ( "It's from my aunt!" ) family gatherings (with thick skin)
Folding wrapping paper ( "It's stuck to itself!" )