Premature | -2014-

The hospital hallway smelled like hand sanitizer and bad coffee. It was 2:14 a.m. on a Tuesday in late March 2014.

She came twelve weeks early.

The world outside kept spinning. The radio in the waiting room played "Happy" by Pharrell. Someone had left a half-eaten bag of Cool Ranch Doritos on the arm of the chair. I stared at the clock above the NICU door. It ticked in seconds, but we were living in minutes.

For 47 days, I learned the vocabulary of alarms. Bradycardia. Apnea. Desat. I learned that a baby can wear a diaper the size of a Post-it note. I learned that hope is a tiny, stubborn thing—a flutter of an eyelid, a pinkening toe, a nurse’s slight nod when she checks the monitor.

I remember the sound first—not a cry, but a thin, reedy squeak, like a mouse under a pile of leaves. Then the flurry of purple scrubs, the hiss of oxygen, the Velcro rip of a warming bed. They let me touch one finger to her back. I could feel her ribs. She fit in the palm of my hand.

Premature | -2014-

The hospital hallway smelled like hand sanitizer and bad coffee. It was 2:14 a.m. on a Tuesday in late March 2014.

She came twelve weeks early.